Renewal

 youve said my communications were not loving I cannot think of anything more loving than to forewarn you but dont worry im not posting of anything here you know where my mind and heart is going. no need to spell anything out

 perhaps I'll think in the future it was a good thing maybe you didn't mean it that way but what you said came across as dismissive maybe derisive and maybe that's just projection I'll give you that but it's curious you choose that moment to communicate and not some other and that pretty much tells me all I need to know and in fact you've been telling me that without words for some time, haven't you. I suppose I should thank you I don't feel the slightest urge to engage with any illusions now and eventually, yeah that'l be a good thing but in this moment there is profound grief, because connecting with an illusion was better than no connection at all. But coming to terms with no connection will be healing, in time and I have been, but much more slowly than now I feel the hollow now like a root canal right before they pack it and crown it numbed, aching, ready to be filled and then get the fuck out of the dentist's office

 There will be times that something incredibly needful and raw will be posted here or something inane or maybe even funny none of it is going to be posted for an audience if you are here you are choosing to be here yes, if i say in a post "i wish i was fucking you senseless" that is how i felt in that moment it is not a wishing for making that a reality,  though there is wishing there obviously its where the feeling came from Your silence tells me what i need to know and if you choose otherwise that would actually be very welcome I would endure a raging forest fire for communication and i think you know that but I think this is maybe overwhelming and you know how to talk to me...

 that was my mistake pretending you didn't read my needful wanderings i pretended because silence was easier to deal with that way yes my communication wasn't loving it was needful in so many ways and i forgot  that it could be hurtful so if you want something other than silence from me i need you to speak up if i haven't damaged you with my needful misdeeds.

 what would be life-giving?

 I forgot there was a living, a sometimes loving, woman on the other end of messenger you pointed out the spiraling, and said it wasn't life-giving said nothing about the music and the honest musings of spirit which should have been at least somewhat spiritual if not life-giving that's ok if the only thing life-giving I can offer is my silence you have it.